"It's not your time yet."

Have you ever been on the receiving end of those words?
Meant to comfort, yet left you feeling pretty raw and full of why's?
Me too.

My entire existence, I've heard about 'God's plan' for my life.
Several times I've veered (see also: nose-dived) off that path, only to find my way back wishing I had just stayed the course. I am impatient, I look too far ahead and want it all before it's ripened. I'm guessing I'm not the only one in this particular corner.

The season that I am in has left me quite jealous - bleh, I hate that word but I can't phrase it any other way. The age group that I am in, the people that I grew up with, most of them are engaged or married and starting families.  Even though we all got married around the same time, we didn't all stay married (oh wait, just me?), that puts me back a few steps. I understand that time has a say in all of this, it requires much to heal a wound that deep.

My heart so longs for the companionship of a spouse, and I actually want one of those screaming, pooping, cooing little things that it seems like everyone else has left the hospital with. I genuinely have never wanted to have children more than I have in the last year or so. But I can't, being single, I don't have the other half of the required DNA strand. I don't have someone to adventure with or learn and grow with. It would be different if I was happy in my singleness but I think it's safe to say that I am decidedly not overjoyed about it. The most common antidotal phrase that one hears whilst whining about such a problem is "it's just not your time yet", well why the heck not?

Not to make a mockery of God's plan but why would He create such a strong desire in my heart only to have me wait? I'm sorry Lord but the wait has made me bitter, I don't get it. It feels like i'm forgotten. Can I just be blunt and say that I'm pretty upset about it? (If you couldn't tell, lol)
I mean, after everything I went through, I definitely expected there to be a well earned, unicorn, fairy dust, weak in the knees, type of love on the other end of that battle.

Switching gears:
I've had some time to think about this, I think the answer lies in the fact that I feel like I deserve a relationship, I deserve the happily ever after - don't get me wrong, i'm hella worth it, but God doesn't OWE me that. He's not indebted to my wants. He has a good plan but it doesn't mean that He will give me exactly what I, in my humanness, want. Does that make sense? No? You've probably never been to church and think I sound bat-crap crazy. Sorry, google Jeremiah 29:11 - it'll make a little more sense, haha.

Last year my counselor recommended that I read "The New Rules of Love, Sex, and Dating" by Andy Stanley - I really didn't want to. I didn't care about anything at that point so reading a dating book wasn't high on my list of things to do. However, I wanted to finish up counseling so I ordered it.
It collected dust for awhile. I started to read a little bit of it, which was actually pretty interesting - but I was dating someone (awful) and I didn't like being so confounded by the truths in that book. Once again it sat for a month or so. As I closed in on my twenty seventh birthday I finally deiced to finish it so I could donate it or burn it or whatever. This time around though, the experience was completely different. I was open to the wisdom before me, I didn't feel guilty about what I read. I laughed, I dog-eared the pages, I told my friends about it, highlighted it, and lent it out to a friend when I was done. Most importantly, I took the challenge at the end of the book.

Andy Stanley had the nerve to challenge me to take a break from dating, the idea seemed preposterous - I was actively trying to find my one true love and settle the heck down, not settle into singleness. He wasn't wrong though, I kept finding myself at the end of these relationships in which I left feeling unwanted and worthless. I was constantly searching and not finding. I was obsessed with the idea of getting engaged and having the perfect do-over wedding and then, then I could have it all. The family that I so longed for, I would be able to relate to my friends again and feel worthy.

This self-forced break encouraged me to take a hard look at why I didn't feel worthy. It forced me to date me, to find things about me that I like. Instead of trying to get someone else to fall in love with me and make me acceptable for me. Thats a heck of a lot of 'me' but you get the point. I ended up telling a lot of people about it and two more of my friends hopped on the bandwagon, which is great.
But I lost my focus a while back, while diligently searching for my one true love, I neglected my first love. God put the dating break in front of me so i'd have no choice but to look upward and inward, and learn that I am very much wanted and loved, I was created for a purpose and as His kid I am worthy. I only have a few more months of this fast and as much as I loathe being single I'm going to stick it out to prove to myself that I can make a commitment and follow through.
The book begged the question:
"Are you becoming the person that the person you are looking for, is looking for?"
Four months ago the answer was no, today the answer sounds a little more like i'm 'in the process'.

I haven't risen completely above those pangs of envy that Facebook and Instagram tend to generate but, I don't hate myself for not having a husband and children, yet.
Someday it'll be "my time", right?
Yeah.
Some day.

If you are waiting, be encouraged - you are not alone and this season might just be a gift.