W O R T H Y

Happy Saturday boss-babe-risers!

I have an exciting update for you. . .

We have a gorgeous new co-host coming to this blogosphere!

To me, she is Mango, however she will have a chance to properly introduce herself! Haha.

We are so excited about this blog, this platform to step out of our comfort zones and write about the God-placed things on our hearts. 

Being a voice for young millennial women, being an encouragement for the broken, being more honest than you are used to in this politically correct world, being ready for wherever this adventure takes us,  being a support for those who struggle to love themselves. 

We get it. 

We struggle in our own ways too, society is constantly pushing ideas on us about what we "SHOULD" be/do/idolize, they jabber on about what their narrow minded ideas of beauty, happiness or success looks like.

Screw that.

We are all beautiful, happiness and success will look different to each of us. 

Today I want to talk about a company that I absolutely L.O.V.E.

The Giving Keys

Y'all, I love supporting small businesses, this company is no exception!

They employ people who are transitioning out of homelessness, how great is that?!

Maybe you've seen people wearing keys engraved with words like, "Breathe", "Let Go", "Purpose", "Brave", "Hope", ect.

Have you ever wondered about that?

I did. 

I mean, old keys. . . cool, intentional words. . . cool. . .but why?

When you order a key with whatever word you choose, it can be one of their 12 standard options or a custom word, it comes in a little cloth bag  and a card inscribed with:

"PAY IT FORWARD

Embrace your word. Then

pay it forward to a person you

feel needs the message 

more than 

you."

It took me a few months to choose the right word for me. 

I decided on a word that I struggle with, a word that makes me both blush and feel disconnected to. 

I chose:

w o r t h y

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't cringing right flippin now while writing this out, 

but feeling worthy is something that I struggle with. 

Especially in the department of love.

This is not a sob story, but it is an honest one.

I grew up without a dad. 

For all intents and purposes he might have been there, 

at least until I was 14 and then he wasn't, but he was never there. 

I hardened my heart to the idea of a dad, 

I told myself that dads weren't really important and I didn't need him anyway. 

Fast forward 10 years and the very broken little girl inside my 24 year old heart was wondering how in the H E double hockey sticks I had ended up in such an awful, loveless and abusive relationship. 

I'm not mad at my dad, sometimes people can't handle what life hands them, 

but I see now, all that I missed in not having a dad. 

Dad's are supposed to teach their daughters about their worth.

They are supposed to show them how a man should treat them, what they should look for in a spouse, show them that they are a daughter of the most high king and as such should be treated with love and respect.

Not having that as a kid, left me grasping for whatever love I could find and not knowing my worth meant that with my ex-husband, I settled for the mood swings, the name calling, the degrading insults, the fighting, the abuse and just accepted that as being what I deserved. 

- Perks of Being a Wallflower

Flash forward another there years, E V E R Y T H I N G  in my life is different which is both good & bad.

Good because, duh I'm not with someone who makes me wish I wasn't alive.

Bad because, where the heck do I go from here? 

Dating has been an interesting and mostly horrible adventure. 

So horrible in fact that I put myself on a dating fast. 

Most of that was because once again, even though I had risen to the challenge and taken myself out of a horrible marriage, I still had no idea what I was worth. 

I fell into some of the same patterns, I attracted some similar guys. 

Not in an abusive sense just in a sense that they didn't honor my worth any more than I did, maybe they didn't see their own worth either. I don't know, but it wasn't what I was looking for. I didn't want more messes to contend with, but that what I got.

I think part of the problem is that, so often, people confuse LOVE with CO-DEPENDENCE.

That's a whole other post, but I know for me I fed off of the affection and affirmation, 

however it was very difficult to go any deeper then that. 

I couldn't bare my soul, I couldn't fully be myself.

It's been so weird and so great getting know myself during the dating fast.

I am a very introspective person, when I finally put down all the social masks and knocked down most of the protective barriers, I kind of liked what was left.

So i'm learning, I deserve more.

I am worth more, 

I am worthy of healthy, soul baring, life doing, butterfly inducing, God-created, forever love.

I am worth higher standards. 

After all, I am royalty. . . and so are you.

So this word "worthy", i'm still working on it.

Theres head knowledge and theres heart knowledge, 

it hasn't made its way to my heart yet.

For now, I wear the key as a reminder.

SIDE NOTE: I started a new job two weeks ago, yesterday I wore the key necklace for the first time. Two of my co-workers asked me about it. One of them said that the whole thing sounded amazing and the other one looked at me and said "Alyssa, you're worthy" without even knowing my story! Which reminded me, it's just a story.

It's what happened to me, it is not who I am.

Okay ladies, I hope you have an amazing weekend! 

What word would you choose if you ordered a key?

"It's not your time yet."

Have you ever been on the receiving end of those words?
Meant to comfort, yet left you feeling pretty raw and full of why's?
Me too.

My entire existence, I've heard about 'God's plan' for my life.
Several times I've veered (see also: nose-dived) off that path, only to find my way back wishing I had just stayed the course. I am impatient, I look too far ahead and want it all before it's ripened. I'm guessing I'm not the only one in this particular corner.

The season that I am in has left me quite jealous - bleh, I hate that word but I can't phrase it any other way. The age group that I am in, the people that I grew up with, most of them are engaged or married and starting families.  Even though we all got married around the same time, we didn't all stay married (oh wait, just me?), that puts me back a few steps. I understand that time has a say in all of this, it requires much to heal a wound that deep.

My heart so longs for the companionship of a spouse, and I actually want one of those screaming, pooping, cooing little things that it seems like everyone else has left the hospital with. I genuinely have never wanted to have children more than I have in the last year or so. But I can't, being single, I don't have the other half of the required DNA strand. I don't have someone to adventure with or learn and grow with. It would be different if I was happy in my singleness but I think it's safe to say that I am decidedly not overjoyed about it. The most common antidotal phrase that one hears whilst whining about such a problem is "it's just not your time yet", well why the heck not?

Not to make a mockery of God's plan but why would He create such a strong desire in my heart only to have me wait? I'm sorry Lord but the wait has made me bitter, I don't get it. It feels like i'm forgotten. Can I just be blunt and say that I'm pretty upset about it? (If you couldn't tell, lol)
I mean, after everything I went through, I definitely expected there to be a well earned, unicorn, fairy dust, weak in the knees, type of love on the other end of that battle.

Switching gears:
I've had some time to think about this, I think the answer lies in the fact that I feel like I deserve a relationship, I deserve the happily ever after - don't get me wrong, i'm hella worth it, but God doesn't OWE me that. He's not indebted to my wants. He has a good plan but it doesn't mean that He will give me exactly what I, in my humanness, want. Does that make sense? No? You've probably never been to church and think I sound bat-crap crazy. Sorry, google Jeremiah 29:11 - it'll make a little more sense, haha.

Last year my counselor recommended that I read "The New Rules of Love, Sex, and Dating" by Andy Stanley - I really didn't want to. I didn't care about anything at that point so reading a dating book wasn't high on my list of things to do. However, I wanted to finish up counseling so I ordered it.
It collected dust for awhile. I started to read a little bit of it, which was actually pretty interesting - but I was dating someone (awful) and I didn't like being so confounded by the truths in that book. Once again it sat for a month or so. As I closed in on my twenty seventh birthday I finally deiced to finish it so I could donate it or burn it or whatever. This time around though, the experience was completely different. I was open to the wisdom before me, I didn't feel guilty about what I read. I laughed, I dog-eared the pages, I told my friends about it, highlighted it, and lent it out to a friend when I was done. Most importantly, I took the challenge at the end of the book.

Andy Stanley had the nerve to challenge me to take a break from dating, the idea seemed preposterous - I was actively trying to find my one true love and settle the heck down, not settle into singleness. He wasn't wrong though, I kept finding myself at the end of these relationships in which I left feeling unwanted and worthless. I was constantly searching and not finding. I was obsessed with the idea of getting engaged and having the perfect do-over wedding and then, then I could have it all. The family that I so longed for, I would be able to relate to my friends again and feel worthy.

This self-forced break encouraged me to take a hard look at why I didn't feel worthy. It forced me to date me, to find things about me that I like. Instead of trying to get someone else to fall in love with me and make me acceptable for me. Thats a heck of a lot of 'me' but you get the point. I ended up telling a lot of people about it and two more of my friends hopped on the bandwagon, which is great.
But I lost my focus a while back, while diligently searching for my one true love, I neglected my first love. God put the dating break in front of me so i'd have no choice but to look upward and inward, and learn that I am very much wanted and loved, I was created for a purpose and as His kid I am worthy. I only have a few more months of this fast and as much as I loathe being single I'm going to stick it out to prove to myself that I can make a commitment and follow through.
The book begged the question:
"Are you becoming the person that the person you are looking for, is looking for?"
Four months ago the answer was no, today the answer sounds a little more like i'm 'in the process'.

I haven't risen completely above those pangs of envy that Facebook and Instagram tend to generate but, I don't hate myself for not having a husband and children, yet.
Someday it'll be "my time", right?
Yeah.
Some day.

If you are waiting, be encouraged - you are not alone and this season might just be a gift.

You Are Not Alone

My life, sigh, my life.

Today a slate was wiped clean, a blog I had kept for 6 years disappeared with one accidental click. 

Every funny antidote, memory that i'd rather soon forget, every meme and gif, every well thought out and even a few of those 'fly by the seat of your pants' posts is g o n e.

Nobody, including myself, can ever read about my terrible journey through divorce and the many heart breaks that followed, or copy that one recipe that I really should have written down. 

This might actually be the best thing that could have happened. 

They say the only way to heal a wound is to stop touching it. 

Poof, Bandaid gone.

Though I hadn't posted on that blog in awhile because of the heavy weight it kept me under,

I still have a story pulsing through my veins and a heart to share.

Girl : Rising, represents me coming back from all that tried to burn me to ash. 

I am the phoenix, I am rising. 

I'm fighting for me, this will be a place of honesty, a place of hope. 

A place to come for those whose hearts are heavy, to know that you are not alone and you will make it through whatever life has handed you. I promise.

I don't intend to dwell in sadness anymore, I strive to continue rising and continue bettering myself.

This blog will touch on every aspect of health:

> Physical

> Mental

> Spiritual

> Financial

> Romantical (shhh, it's a word)

> Social

 The plans that I had for me are coming undone, and I couldn't be more excited for where God will lead me, for where I am headed. 

Lets be encouraging, 

lets be life giving, 

lets be adventurers as we head down this path less traveled of self love so contagious that it will overflow into the community of hurting and lost women around us.