From Broken to Beautiful

Hello my queens! 

It is currently 11:18 PM, which is pretty late for me, as I type whatever it is that flows to my mind. I can't help but sit at a blank screen without even knowing where to begin. Life has become so incredibly busy I almost forgot how therapeutic it is to sit and write. I pray that the words that come to me are from the Lord and that they will impact the hearts of those who need to hear it. 

Let me start out by saying that I had no idea when I asked God this morning to break my heart for what breaks His that He would really hand it to me. My heart is broken from the stories I heard from some sweet friends and family today. From loss to anxiety, to sickness, to hurt, to uncertainty, to insecurity, to loneliness and to anger I am left feeling completely and utterly broken. After taking in these stories the most I can sit here and do is feel thankful for being in the midst of grace like an avalanche and pray. 

I pray for the friend that is in the midst of a health crisis, uncertain about what they will do as they expect God to work a miracle in their life. I pray for the friend that is dealing with family problems, and the hurt and burden that she is facing as she steps in and takes on a larger role than she should have to. I pray for the friend who just had to deal with a loss and is feeling lonely and angry. I also pray for the friend who is stuck in the midst of uncertainty about their life & insecure on starting a new beginning that could ultimately be life changing for them. Lastly, I pray for the friend that is allowing anxiety to consume her about her future because she is not happy with where she is currently at. 

I read and re-read these prayers and I begin to feel angry that all of these things could be going on to these sweet women in my life. I am reminded of where these feelings come from that they are not from God. God tells us that he is the Almighty Healer, the Great Connector, the Ultimate Comforter, the Prince of Peace and THE Way, Truth & Light. Notice that it doesn't say "A way…" but "THE way…" He wants to comfort us through the hard times and celebrate with us through the big wins. He has the plan already figured out, we just have to trust Him through the season in order to be launched into something greater. After all, storms make trees take deeper roots.

My prayer for you is that if you are reading this feeling any of these emotions or even something different, that you will stand firm on the rock that is higher than we are. You will know that you are the daughter of the highest King and you are not to be messed with! Also, I hope you learned that our morning car prayers should be taken very seriously and if we ask God to do something big that day he really will!

Continuing to pray and believe that the best is yet to come,

Peter Pans and Magnolia Farms

With a title like that I was scratching my head too, but I think i'll be able to tie it in a nice little bow for y'all. 

Sorry, i've been hooked on Fixer Upper while intermittently running down to the laundry mat to tend to the linens or whatever. 

So anyway ladies, I'm going to talk about some un-fun stuff, also about the "ultimate dream" and what it looks like to bridge that gap. Anyone who knows me, can pretty much tell that I've not had much success with the ol' L word, L O V E.  Maybe I have a light up sign on my forehead advertising that I really-enjoy-being-treated-badly or maybe I just like people with problems, I don't know. Either way, not good. 

The past is the past right? 

Yeah, but I keep finding them and somehow it manages to surprise and devestate me each time that they turn out to be peter-pans. 

I don't know about you, but I am really freaking tired of keeping quiet and being a doormat for THOSE types of guys to tread on. I mean, what a waste of time and dreams, in each situation there have been some good memories - ish, but more so there was lot of slashing into my confidence, trust and heart leaving scars that feel a mile wide some days. I'm foolish but I'm hopeful too. Despite the past, that I have to accept is mine, I almost always believe that people can change. They don't, not those type of people. They see nothing wrong with how they treat others and rarely admit fault. 

I am grateful to have people in my life that force me to see what is really there and not romanticize it. I'm a dreamer with a stubborn soul, I don't like to let go and I really hate being wrong about someone. But I was wayyyyy wrong recently. 

Babes, just please don't settle. Don't try to make an excuse for someone who is selfish enough to put you down like its a sport, someone who feels it necessary to read you the ingredients off of the dang spray butter bottle, or doesn't think to include you in their plans for the future, when you would have moved your life for them. Just don't. 

What should one do when they don't have a template for what is worth waiting for? 

Short answer: watch Fixer Upper with Chip and Joanna Gaines all day on HGTV.

 

#RelationshipGoals

Longer answer: fall for yourself first - you have to know your worth to know that you deserve better. 

I can tell that i'm in a slightly better place than I was last year because I down right couldn't stand how I was being manipulated /treated last weekend, so I did the hard thing and had a heartbreaking conversation - at least for me, because I had invested too much. 

It was also a major step to be able to be so vulnerable, but it got little ridiculous with the tears. . . just picture Splash Mountain on a 24 hour cycle. 

After you stand up for yourself and cut off dead branches, you have to connect with your savior - only He can fill the gap that you are asking a human man to. Write a list and be VERY specific about what you want in a man, God already knows but He likes to grow us which means digging deep and being honest.  

Next step, STOP COMPARING.

For whatever reason this is the journey that you are on and for right now they best way for you navigate it is alone. Someday it will all make sense. 

Once you have your template it won't be so hard to see who stacks up and who wouldn't make the cut if they were a zillionaire or not. 

The results of how I spent my lazy Saturday = my couch now has an Aly shaped indent and I want to buy an old ranch in Waco, Texas just to have fixer upper come by to hang out and um, fix it up. 

Books that I would recommend:

I Don't Wait Anymore - Grace Thornton

Wild and Free - Jess Connolly and Haley Morgan

Scary Close - Don Miller

Also, I've been reading a lot of Job - trust me, whatever man problems/anything else that you boss babes might be facing. . .it could be so much worse! haha.

Have a happy 4th of July weekend lovies!

W O R T H Y

Happy Saturday boss-babe-risers!

I have an exciting update for you. . .

We have a gorgeous new co-host coming to this blogosphere!

To me, she is Mango, however she will have a chance to properly introduce herself! Haha.

We are so excited about this blog, this platform to step out of our comfort zones and write about the God-placed things on our hearts. 

Being a voice for young millennial women, being an encouragement for the broken, being more honest than you are used to in this politically correct world, being ready for wherever this adventure takes us,  being a support for those who struggle to love themselves. 

We get it. 

We struggle in our own ways too, society is constantly pushing ideas on us about what we "SHOULD" be/do/idolize, they jabber on about what their narrow minded ideas of beauty, happiness or success looks like.

Screw that.

We are all beautiful, happiness and success will look different to each of us. 

Today I want to talk about a company that I absolutely L.O.V.E.

The Giving Keys

Y'all, I love supporting small businesses, this company is no exception!

They employ people who are transitioning out of homelessness, how great is that?!

Maybe you've seen people wearing keys engraved with words like, "Breathe", "Let Go", "Purpose", "Brave", "Hope", ect.

Have you ever wondered about that?

I did. 

I mean, old keys. . . cool, intentional words. . . cool. . .but why?

When you order a key with whatever word you choose, it can be one of their 12 standard options or a custom word, it comes in a little cloth bag  and a card inscribed with:

"PAY IT FORWARD

Embrace your word. Then

pay it forward to a person you

feel needs the message 

more than 

you."

It took me a few months to choose the right word for me. 

I decided on a word that I struggle with, a word that makes me both blush and feel disconnected to. 

I chose:

w o r t h y

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't cringing right flippin now while writing this out, 

but feeling worthy is something that I struggle with. 

Especially in the department of love.

This is not a sob story, but it is an honest one.

I grew up without a dad. 

For all intents and purposes he might have been there, 

at least until I was 14 and then he wasn't, but he was never there. 

I hardened my heart to the idea of a dad, 

I told myself that dads weren't really important and I didn't need him anyway. 

Fast forward 10 years and the very broken little girl inside my 24 year old heart was wondering how in the H E double hockey sticks I had ended up in such an awful, loveless and abusive relationship. 

I'm not mad at my dad, sometimes people can't handle what life hands them, 

but I see now, all that I missed in not having a dad. 

Dad's are supposed to teach their daughters about their worth.

They are supposed to show them how a man should treat them, what they should look for in a spouse, show them that they are a daughter of the most high king and as such should be treated with love and respect.

Not having that as a kid, left me grasping for whatever love I could find and not knowing my worth meant that with my ex-husband, I settled for the mood swings, the name calling, the degrading insults, the fighting, the abuse and just accepted that as being what I deserved. 

- Perks of Being a Wallflower

Flash forward another there years, E V E R Y T H I N G  in my life is different which is both good & bad.

Good because, duh I'm not with someone who makes me wish I wasn't alive.

Bad because, where the heck do I go from here? 

Dating has been an interesting and mostly horrible adventure. 

So horrible in fact that I put myself on a dating fast. 

Most of that was because once again, even though I had risen to the challenge and taken myself out of a horrible marriage, I still had no idea what I was worth. 

I fell into some of the same patterns, I attracted some similar guys. 

Not in an abusive sense just in a sense that they didn't honor my worth any more than I did, maybe they didn't see their own worth either. I don't know, but it wasn't what I was looking for. I didn't want more messes to contend with, but that what I got.

I think part of the problem is that, so often, people confuse LOVE with CO-DEPENDENCE.

That's a whole other post, but I know for me I fed off of the affection and affirmation, 

however it was very difficult to go any deeper then that. 

I couldn't bare my soul, I couldn't fully be myself.

It's been so weird and so great getting know myself during the dating fast.

I am a very introspective person, when I finally put down all the social masks and knocked down most of the protective barriers, I kind of liked what was left.

So i'm learning, I deserve more.

I am worth more, 

I am worthy of healthy, soul baring, life doing, butterfly inducing, God-created, forever love.

I am worth higher standards. 

After all, I am royalty. . . and so are you.

So this word "worthy", i'm still working on it.

Theres head knowledge and theres heart knowledge, 

it hasn't made its way to my heart yet.

For now, I wear the key as a reminder.

SIDE NOTE: I started a new job two weeks ago, yesterday I wore the key necklace for the first time. Two of my co-workers asked me about it. One of them said that the whole thing sounded amazing and the other one looked at me and said "Alyssa, you're worthy" without even knowing my story! Which reminded me, it's just a story.

It's what happened to me, it is not who I am.

Okay ladies, I hope you have an amazing weekend! 

What word would you choose if you ordered a key?